PM Reflections: Owning Up To What I Did

As a teenage mom. I had the best of intentions when I decided to have m daughter.  I didn’t have a lot to give her.  But I did have lots of love or so I thought.  When she was born, she was a bright spot in my life and taught me to be selfless.  She made me grow up and see the world differently.  I could love her…or so I thought.

Fast forward a year later when I so desperately wanted her to have her father in her life.  I forced the issue and made hasty decision to create the ideal family unit I thought she deserved.  We loved her…or so we thought.  Two teenagers or babies, so to speak, we were ill equipped to deal with the stresses of parenthood. And instead of battling the problem, we battled each other.  We loved each other…or so we thought.

I was raised in a similar tumultuous environment and I made out okay…or so I thought. Years later, I realize that my childhood left me unable to love, I mean really, really love.  I can’t recall my parents being nurturing, kissing my boo boos, hugging me or telling me they loved me.  Yeah, they may have wrote in a card, implied it with gifts or money for good grades but they rarely said those words to each other let alone to me.  Is that what love looks like? That’s what I thought.

So now I am am responsible for another life and I repeated all of the things I was taught.  I loved through deed but rarely reaffirmed it in words.  Thinking back today, I am torn up inside at the thought that my daughter may not have felt the love she desired and desperately wanted. What’s worse, my neglectful parenting has culminated into my daughter suffering from illness of the mind.   I feel so guilty.  I feel so responsible.  How could I do this to her.  How could I neglect her heart like this?  How could I hurt her mind?

I can’t erase the past and I can’t change anything that I have done.  All I can do now is own up to what I did or didn’t do.  I have forever impacted another life and for that I am truly sorry.  I only hope my daughter will welcome me on her journey to healing and that I can love her. Really love her. Not think I love her but know I love  her. And the apologies of my mind and of my heart have to become apologies that she can hear. 

As parents we are not always right.  As parents we often fail. And when we do, the greatest gift we can give our children is owning up to what we did.  That is when healing can begin.

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